new singles

Reviewed by Richey James of the Manic Street Preachers

BRYAN ADAMS: Do I have To Say The Words?

Well, I'd rather make a cup of tea than listen to that, which is what I'm doing at the moment. Everything I dislike about music, Bryan Adams is the epitomy. Corporate rock, terrible production, designed for radio, no thought, no soul, no sensitivity, no sex, inoffensive, easy, involves nothing. You can't even compare it to his other stuff because how can you compare turkeys? A turkey is a turkey. 0/5

NENEH CHERRY: Money Love

Well, that wasn't as good as I wanted it to be, but she's a good person to have back in the charts. There's a bit of rock guitar on this! A bit of metal. . . It's not that catchy, though, kind of stops and starts, so I'm hoping that after a few plays it might have that X ingredient that all good pop songs have. It's certainly better than East 17, or whatever they're called, so I hope it's a hit. I was going to give this two but I've just remembered how good looking she is, so it's getting a three for added beauty. 3/5

ERMA FRANKLIN: Piece Of My Heart

(Gets very excited.) Oh! Is this the one with Cameron in it? (i.e. the ancient tune from the new Levi's ad featuring Cameron, most famed for being one of Madonna's dancers and not being very ugly.) God, he just looks so amazing in it. The perfect body! I think it's a good thing that you have songs like this in adverts, I'd rather have this inbetween Coronation Street than some little men singing away about Typhoo tea. I don't see it as prostitution. We'd do it! Yeah! Except we haven't had a big enough hit single yet. We'd do it for a Sega ad! I must admit Cameron depresses me because I could never be like that. See, girls, even us blokes can feel inferior. I think Brad Pitt's fantastic as well. Oh yeah, phwooo, he's The One! I dream about him quite a lot. Nothing sexual happens but I dream about just being round him, having a drink . . . I hardly ever dream about girls. Anyway this song is very soulful. I like it. 4/5

BETTY BOO: I'm On My Way

She looked really nice on the last cover of Smash Hits, didn't she? Hmmm. This isn't great. I liked the last one much better. This one's passed me by. Pathologically dull. I do like the concept of Betty Boo, she's a good pop star but it does annoy me that she goes on about her boyfriend all the time. She never shuts up about him! We need Betty Boo but she shouldn't write her own stuff, that's the problem. Betty Boo should have an army of three thousand geniuses writing songs for her, pick the one she likes best and get on with the business of being a fabulous pop star like they used to do in the olden days. 1/5

SEX PISTOLS: Anarchy In The U.K.

(Within 30 seconds we receive a complaint from the neighbours to turn it down. Haw haw.) They can still cause offense hahah! A nostalgic record is completely uselesss but it's still one of the greates rock records of all time by one of the most intense and sensitive groups there's ever been, which always gets overlooked I think. It's been a long time since I had a records as good as this. I first heard it when I was doing my A levels in '87, '88. I was only about seven or eight when punk happened and all we listened to was the radio, and all they played on that was Show addywaddy's Under The Moon Of Love, so all this passed me by. 5/5

BOY GEORGE: The Crying Game

This must be from some crap film . . .(Indeed it is from the film of the same name.) This is music made by a sad old man who doesn't know what he's doing anymore. And the fact it was produced by the Pet Shop Boys intensifies my hatred for it one hundred-fold. The Pet Shop Boys make the worst kind of English pop, like when you're walking home from the pub and you're down on your knees staring into a pile of your own sick, that's how they always make me feel. Boy George used to write great songs. The Jesus Loves You stuff was much better than this. He's obviously seriously lost it these days. 0/5

SHAKIN' STEVENS: Radio

(Lasts about three seconds) Oh stop, stop, stop, please. He's contributed nothing to music ever but this is a particularly bad example. One day, record companies will be forced to face up to the moral responsibility of putting out records like this. I particularly hate him because he's welsh. Him. Bonnie Tyler. We never hear the end of it. Not that we get compared, mind, hahah! (For those who don't know, Rich is welsh himself.) 0/5

THE BEAUTIFUL SOUTH: 36D

Well, everything they do is just so obviously . . . them, isn't it? This'll be another big hit, catchy as ever. Not bad pop, I suppose. I do find them a bit to humerous, I must say. A bit too clever with their humour. Paul Heaton's a talented lad, no question, even though he looks like a football player. 3/5

VANESSA PARADIS: Be My Baby

(starts going on about how fantastically beautiful she is for about a decade) Well, I was a big fan until I heard that song. I think she should just stop making records really. It's not great and it's a pity because . . . I just fancy her. Bananarama can do stuff like this much better. To make a '60s sounding record work you have to have an authentically good voice, you need to have a bit of the old Diana Ross up here (wobbles his Adam's apple around), you need to have some balls. What a shame 'cos she's pretty much perfect. 2/5

KRISS KROSS: I Missed The Bus

Well, what was that supposed to be? "I missed the bus and that's something that I'm never ever gonna do again." God help us, what a sad teenage phenomenon. A bad nursery rhyme. This is the worst single they've ever done, not great pop, not even catchy, nothing. Even Vanilla Ice made better records than this. If this came on the radio I'd just be wishing the following three minutes to pass extremely quickly. When you had child groups before they were always quite innocent and cute, and this lot come on and they want to make out like they're 22 year-old adults dissing everyone, they want to appear old and that's a worrying trend. Why do they want to give up their childhood? 0/5

[ accompanied by a polariod of Richey ripping a poster of Kriss Kross in half]

INSPIRAL CARPETS: Generations

That cheesy keyboard is the most nauseating sound I've ever heard and whoever invented it should just be killed. That, with a whining, irritating, completely uselesss voice droning away and a totally hopelesss production makes this just one enormous hellish noise. Generations sounds like my own generation: uselesss, hopelesss, pathetic crap. I can't believe they still exist, I don't know anyone who likes them. 0/5

PEARL JAM: Jeremy

The concept of that band I find even more offensive than the song. That's just really trad, bland, dodgy '70s American rock reinvented by the press as the latest cool thing when they've never even listened to the original version of dodgy '70s rock in the first place. Appalling. It just goes on and on and on in a stupid American drawl that's just embarrassingly bad. This lot are from Seattle and Nirvana are just so far above all this it's unbelievable, they're not even worthy enough to live in the same city as . . . me, never mind Kurt and Courtney. 0/5 

B E S T  N E W  S I N G L E

SUEDE: Metal Mickey

I like th idea of Brett (i.e. the lead singer) and I'm not worried too much about the music. I like his jackets, his haircut, the things he says and the fact he looks like a rent boy from King's Cross. And I like the bags underneath his eyes. He's quite literate and he thinks, y'know? On the last single there were the words "on the escalator we shook paracetamol/this ridiculous world passes me by", that's a pretty good lyric. This is intelligent and good-looking and that's all that matters, that's what makes great pop. 5/5